Saturday, March 08, 2008

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate Killing Yourself...

Top 10 reasons to Procrastinate Killing Yourself

10. Tomorrow isn't going anywhere and it usually is at least marginally better than today was. And if it isn't THEN you can drink the rat poison/bleach martini. But keep in mind that there's always a better tomorrow somewhere. Just ask Donald Trump or Paris Hilton.

9. If you can possibly put it off, you can save yourself a whole lot of mess, aggravation and trauma…so sleep on it.

8. Laziness. Really---why go to all the effort? Just take a nap instead.

7. Insomnia got you down? Perfect---all the more time to catch up on all of those really bad reruns of TV shows from the 80s and 90s. The hair and clothes alone will cheer you up and put life into perspective. If shoulder pads and sequins and lots of hairspray don't help you see life's ultimate and mysterious beauty then go to the 24-hour drive thru at the pharmacy and scream "I'M OUTTA MY MEDS!!!!!" and let the mayhem and shenanigans begin!

6. Racing thoughts? Ok---set up a racetrack in your head and see which thought wins first. If it is of the “I am a loser and I really want to die” variety, reward yourself with a cookie instead of a date with the Grim Reaper. I hear he's a really bad tipper with horrific BO anyway. And who doesn't love a delicious cookie, really?

5. You're having the worst day, month, year, decade of your life. Congratulations! It can only get better…or worse from here. Why not stick around to find out? See yourself as a character in a book or movie that you really want to know what happens to them. Stay until the credits roll.

6. You know that lottery ticket you just bought? They pick the numbers tomorrow. Go to bed, jackass. By this time next week you could be rolling in dough instead of self-pity and misery.

5. You're late for everything in your life anyway…might as well keep Mr. Death waiting. He ain't going anywhere, believe you me. Cuz that guy? Has no life except...well..ya know---death.

4. Tomorrow can't be worse than yesterday or today…or maybe it can…why not make each day a challenge?

3. So if the only things sure in life are death and taxes then approach death like you do your taxes. Wait until the last possible second and then go to the airport FedEx office to mail in your soul. Make sure to use extra postage so you don't get charged the late fees....nothing sucks more than arriving in the afterlife in debt.

2. The religious factor…ok let's for argument sake say all of the doomsday evangelist nuts are right about the whole burning eternally in a lake of fire thing. How much would that totally BLOW? Go rent “Harold and Maude” immediately…it will make you laugh at yourself and at life.

And last but not least top, numero UNO reason to procrastinate killing yourself…Hey---I'll tell you tomorrow. To be continued...

Stay tuned to write/read the next chapter of your life. And then mail me a copy so I can feel better about mine.

Courtney A. Walsh is a bipolar humor author who tried to unsuccessfully off herself. You can read all about it in her memoir, “Lipstick and Thongs in the Loony Bin”.

Now she shows others how to go from Rock Bottom to Rock ON! And how to rock even harder into the big question marks....

Please digg this...Courtney A. Walsh needs a new pair of shoes. Seriously...she has really bad taste in shoes.


Blogger February13th said...

You make me laugh!

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Rockin' Joe Hebert said...

I shouldn't have put off reading this as long as I did. You're a funny lady.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I'd love to help you, but I have worse taste in shoes. Rock on anyway, you crazy chick!

12:56 PM  
Blogger whitehawk33 said...

lol. i have great taste in shoes. and in friends as well, apparently. we are all so grateful for your bravery and your willingness to laugh at yourself is an inspiration for all of us to LIGHTEN UP.;)

10:31 AM  

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